By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Omnipresence, February 8, 2008
God, ruler of the universe and supreme arbiter of the weather, said today He was "deeply sorry" for the many casualties incurred during His attempt to smite Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee with a tornado during Super Tuesday primary election voting earlier this week.
Over 45 people were killed in the Southern states of Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee, and Kentucky when multiple tornadoes touched down with devastating results during the biggest day so far in the Republican and Democratic primary election season.
The supreme potentate characterized the casualties as "collateral damage" in His effort to rid the world of Mr. Huckabee through the use of the anomalous weather condition, which the Prime Mover described as "notoriously tricky to aim precisely."
"Mike Huckabee incurred My divine displeasure through his constant invocation of My name and My glory in the pursuit of a self-aggrandizing political agenda," God said, adding that His ways were actually not that mysterious at all.
"I am, frankly, sick unto death of microscopic human beings, whom I might remind you I created—like that!" God said, snapping His fingers, "glomming onto Me in the hope that some of My divinity might somehow rub off on them. Pretending they have some insight into My divine intentions, implying they speak in My name—get real! Of all the candidates in the current mortal circus, Huckabee is by far the worst. He was simply begging for a smiting."
God explained that, what with His mind being focused on so many other things such as maintaining the precise geometrical arrangements of exploding hydrogen atoms in a billion quintillion suns throughout the universe, He inadvertently let His attention wander during the exact moment of the intended smite.
"I remember moving the warm and cold fronts into position to create the conditions that would form the tornado," God said, "and blowing in some wind to send it towards that overblown hypocrite Huckabee, but then, I'm sorry to say, what with one thing and another, my attention wandered. I was interested to see how big a cloud the collision between two galaxies you know as NGC 7319 and NGC 7320C—I call them Spiky and Curly—would make. It was a pretty big cloud."
"But I'm really very sorry about the innocents who were smitten," God continued. "Just as in the case of a universe, once you get that tornado spinning, it tends to develop a mind of its own."
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